Lady Luck has nothing on me....

Dear Friends and Family,
It was suggested by someone this weekend that I was lucky in life.  This was someone I considered to be a friend.  Lest anyone else think I'm "lucky", I feel the need to set the record straight. 
You don't make a mess out of your life like I have and crawl back up and then give Lady Luck the credit.  My bachelors and two masters have nothing to do with luck.  It has ALOT to do with hard work and determination.  The fact that I have a roof over my head that is finally furnished the way that I want it to be has nothing to do with luck.  I worked 10+ years to be able to do this.  My children being happy and healthy have nothing to do with luck, but everything do with me trying to be the best mother I can be.  
So before you ever think about calling me lucky, don't.  You don't see the hard work, the drive and the determination it takes to be me.  You don't see the effort behind every step.  You don't hear the internal monologue I keep with myself as I push to keep going.  You most certainly don't get to see me break down when I think I can't go on.
So before you insult me by giving luck the credit, realize that I'm THAT good to make it look THIS easy.  
<3

*I was going to leave this on my Facebook page but decided to make it public.  This is something I love about myself.  My determination to make my life better. 

Tweets by @JackieMichele

Food obsession or addiction?

Sometimes in the past, I wondered if I was addicted to food.  Out of no where I would get cravings so strong my mouth would salivate.  The mere thought of a type of food could bring me to my knees.  I am again wondering if I am addicted to food.  Chocolates, sweets, and coffee to be specific although I am quite sure I am addicted to the latter.

Over the past week, I started researching addition symptoms and cam across this handy dandy chart.

So I went down each row, to determine my dependency on certain foods and the amounts of foods I eat.  Here were my thoughts:
1.  It's already been proven that eating certain foods can simulate a "high" that is similar to that of opiate usage.  
2.  When I thought about how often I ate the evil foods, I came up with daily.  And yes, I realize certain foods are draining to my bank account.
3.  Looking at the third row, I laughed.  If you invite me to a "celebration" that is lacking food, I'm not going.  Point blank.  Period.
4/5.  There are some foods I won't eat in public because I don't want people to think negatively of me in the sense of, "I can't believe she is that fat and she's still eating that!"  Additionally, when I am home and getting a craving, I will sometimes resort to choices I'm not so proud of to get whatever I'm craving.  It has been somewhat normal for me to leave me children for a quick run to the store if the craving gets too intense.  I simply rationalize with myself that it's like me stepping out to check the mail.
6.  If I can't find what I'm craving I will substitute anything I can get my hands on.
7.  I do binge.  I stopped purging when I was in high school (which now that I think about it is probably what has led to my weight creeping up over the years).
8.  Since I am nearing my mid 30s and I'm still struggling with this issue, I think it's say to say I may need help to change.

I guess what I don't understand is if you CAN be addicted to food, why has no one stepped up to help those people who are struggling?  There are clinics for eating disorders like bulimia and anorexia.  But when someone is obese as I am, who do we turn to other than our general doctor?  People say that obesity is a major problem in America.  I think that major problem is the fact that the public thinks someone who suffers from obesity can help themselves or even has the money to help themselves.  

This is what prompted me to change.  According to this chart, which I know is not 100% accurate, I am extremely obese.  Unlike many others, I have my doctor and my brother's cousin's sister's nephew who moonlights as my therapist free of charge.  I guess all we can do for everyone else who is suffering and praying for help is pray that our country wakes up.  For some, this is just a feat to large to stand against alone. Tweets by @JackieMichele

The Art of Losing Yourself

I like to consider myself a very independent person.  I'm a single mom of two and love my children to no end.  Somewhere along the way, though, I lost myself.  I understand that I have a very demanding job but between the big one, the baby, work, and making sure the kids stay alive I lost myself.

Looking back, I think I lost myself when I was getting my second masters degree.  (No, I'm not throwing that in there to show how I smart I am.  The errors in my writing should prove otherwise.)  All throughout the two year program I completed in a year, I kept thinking, "Just think what I will be able to do for Dori!"  Then, sure enough, my focus went from school to what can I now do for my daughter.

Fast forward a couple years and now I'm dating a loser.  In the beginning, he was sweet and very accepting of my daughter.  Then, he moved in (RED FLAG!  Don't move to fast in any relationship!) when I was house hunting.  Now it's, "What can I do for my daughter and for him?"  Fast forward a few months after a surprise pregnancy test and trying to hold it all together, I finally realized he never thought, "What can I do for Michele?"  Lucky me.  I found someone willing to suck me dry.  

Fast forward a few months past the delivery of my second child, I was now focused on holding everything together for my children, my house, and my job.  Not one moment did I think about myself.  From the moment I opened my eyes to the second I drifted in to REM sleep, I was focused on everything but myself.  

I lost myself.

I lost the ability to smile.  I felt horrible.  I gained weight.  I stopped wearing makeup.  I never bought anything for myself.  I was angry.  I hated that I felt I couldn't protect my children.  I was starting to hate my life.  

Slowly, I had begun to hate my life.  The weird thing was that no one really knew.  I still did my job.  I was still a parent, though some things my oldest did caused me to fly of the handle, sadly.  Most of my bills were paid, so it seemed that I was doing just find for those outsiders looking in.  I had begun to wish I was a visible mess.

Last year, I finally brought it up to my doctor.  For 20 minutes, I sat and described everything I had been feeling to Dr. T.  I talked about my unhappiness, the weight gain, feeling ugly, my racing heart....EVERYTHING!  I've never been so scared in my life because I thought I was falling to pieces.  I could not have been more right.  You see, the weight of everything I was trying to carry was slowly eating away at me.  Eventually, I would have been an empty shell.  

Though I ended my doctor's appointment bent over at the waist sobbing like a baby, I felt better.  I had finally let someone in and shown them how much I was hurting.  I left the office with a prescription to see if I responded well to an anti depressant that would also control signs of anxiety I had been exhibiting.  Within a month, I was smiling.  My eyes were brighter and I put on mascara.  My doctor felt confident at that point to diagnose me with depression and anxiety.  

That was one year ago.  With many ups and downs, I can say that I love me.  I smile a lot.  I laugh more.  I wear makeup and clothes that make me feel good.  I am happy.  But most importantly, I love my life.  I still struggle, so please don't think I take a magic pill.  I don't.  I make a choice every night before I go to bed to take my medicine and love me.  Today, I love my eyebrows.  Tomorrow?  I will find something else about me to love.  It's hard to think that one year ago I didn't even like myself.  Now that I'm starting to map out a plan to tackle my weight, I tend to get a little overwhelmed, but it helps to look how far I've come.

Making tomorrow better, if my favorite goal.  I have to work hard, but I can do it.  I have two beautiful girls who are sleeping soundly in their beds.  The best thing I can do for them is to ensure their mom is healthy and happy.  I have to make sure I don't lose myself again.

Tweets by @JackieMichele