Shame...just shame

I won't pretend I'm perfect. Lord knows I am truly not. In my childhood years, I did and said a many things my own mother would be shocked to the core by. Outlandish, ignorant, racist things. However, looking back, I was not even 10 years old. I won't blame the times or location for my ignorance. 

I was simply ignorant, but hat ignorance was not who I became. 

My mother worked hard to make sure my brother and I were properly educated. A woman who instilled a can-do attitude and morals and values in her children is an accomplishment of which she can be proud. 

But, I still feel shame for the things I did as an ignorant child just I feel shame for the events unfolding in Chicago. 

Last night, I attempted to sit down and watch the Facebook Live video (it has been removed from Facebook but you can see it on YouTube here). Tears flooded my eyes and my heart tightened in my chest. So many feelings flooded through my body. Disgust being at the top. I felt sickened by the disgust of knowing that parents out there were not doing their jobs. I felt disgust that we have young adults in this country who laugh at this behavior. I felt disgust that more of the viewers of that Facebook Live video did not speak out while this was happening. 
All of this left me feeling thoroughly nauseated. I could only tolerate less than five minutes of the video. After that point, the mom in me broke down. This young man sat suffering endlessly while his panic stricken parents waited and hoped. It's possible he sat there not understanding why this was happening to him.  It's possible he sat there wondering why.  What did he do to deserve this?
It could have been my child. 
It could have been your child. 
It could have been any one's child or loved one who was kicked, hit, cut, etc. My tears streamed down my cheeks knowing that no matter how horrible a crime this is, the restitution won't be enough. As I cried, I knew that these thoughts and behaviors didn't just pop up when they turned 18. I cried for the victim. 

I weep for the future of this country. Tweets by @JackieMichele

A letter to my first friend...

I haven't posted in a while due to hectic life situations, but it's also because I've been sitting on this particular post.  Sometimes I wonder my brother knows how proud I am.  I worry that he doesn't.  He and I took very different paths in life and I hope he realizes that though his path took him on a different journey, I am prouder (more proud?) than words can possibly every express.


Dear Brother,
Almost 34 years ago, I was welcomed into this world and introduced to you.  In that instant, you became my big brother.  My first friend.  I became your shadow and witness to some awesomely stupid things (like that one time you ran into a tree and knocked yourself out cold).  
As a big brother, you were my protector.  I still remember relying on you one cold morning in Chicago to protect me from a bully.  I knew even then that you were steadfast and true.  My big brother.  Even through our years of puberty when we were constantly at each other's throats, you were a leader.  Someone who would do everything so big and bright there was no way I could compete.  And I never wanted to.  I simply wanted to watch my big brother succeed.
Fast forward to our adult years, and here I am.  Yes, I teach.  Yes, I am mother to your two awesome nieces.  Yes, I am still watching from the sidelines while you shine bigger and brighter with every passing year.  
And my heart swells with pride.  I am proud of my first friend, my leader.  I am proud of my big brother.  I apologize if I don't say it enough, but I am.  Each and every day you walk headfirst into hurricane winds pushing you back.  You strive to ignore the tiny whispers that might deter you from your goal.  You stride toward your own definition of success with your Artist's flag flying proudly.  For that, I am proud.  

Love,
Your little sister Tweets by @JackieMichele

Telling it like it is: Who said I can't wear that?

Who gave the media/other people so much power?  Was it you?  Could it have been me?  How do you or I get it back?

Tonight, I was trying on my new pink lipstick.  SO CUTE!  When I got it, I bought a liner and gloss that compliments it.  It wasn't until I got home that I realized that I would never have purchased this shade in my teens or even my early 20s.  I was convinced that it wouldn't look good on my because my skin tone was wrong.  It just didn't go.

Who told me that?  Why did I think that?  Was it the media, or was it my own crazy insecurities?

Maybe this goes hand in hand with my confidence but I look damn good in my new pink lippie!  I don't know why I thought I wouldn't.  Maybe it was because I was paying more attention to what others thought, or maybe I was so brainwashed I didn't know it.  However, it doesn't matter.

If you think you look good.  You look good.  End of story.  Who cares if you are wearing stripes and polka dots?!   Rock that craziness.*  Let your beauty shine through and compliment what you do.  Only when you stand up and say, "I look good!" will we be able to take back the power we have unwittingly given to someone else.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to rock out with my pink lip pout and flip my hair like I don't care.  So go out there and rock it!*  Buy that new outfit, get that knew haircut, or enjoy a day makeup free.  Be the beautiful you, you were meant to be.  (Unless your shorts are so short I can see your vulva or your bottom biscuits.  If that's the case, go change.)

J/K! Rock those hot pants, Gorgeous!

*Unless you are crazy like Donald Trump.

Tweets by @JackieMichele

Confidence

I was sitting in the drive through listening to Jason Derulo's song Trumpet.  I think that is his name and the song's name.  I was sitting there listening to the lyrics thinking, "It would be nice to find a guy like that."  That thought took me back to almost 8 months ago when I was speaking with my new coworkers about me and they marveled at my confidence.  I told them in a very respectful way that I thought I was all that and a bag of chips and no one could tell me different.  
Now, because they were actually speaking to me, it made sense and didn't come across conceited (at least it didn't in my brain).  They allowed me to explain why I felt that way and I like to think they understood.  So, here are the top three reasons as to why I am so damn confident.

3.  I am freaking AMAZING!

In life, I don't have very many friends and I am okay with that.  My friends are like extended family created by Go and sent directly to me.  If you tell me you need me, I am there.  If you don't have money, I will give you mine knowing I may not be able to make rent.  If you are sick, I will nurse you back to health.  Anything you need, I got you.  All I ask is that if your needs get me arrested, you bail my newly broke ass out.  In all seriousness, I give all and put all I have into every relationship I have.  

2.  My bubble is a bully free bubble.

Years and years and years ago, I was teased.  I can barely remember a point in my life when I didn't think I was fat, ugly, or unlovable.  I sailed past my peers in height and weight, which led to me being the odd ball.  To make matters much worse, I didn't have any of the conventional beauty that was in back in the 90s.  To take it even further, I berated myself.  I would starve myself, purposefully inflict pain upon my body, and then take joy in the fact that I lost 10 pounds.  So while my peers were yelling "Jolly Green Giant" and "Boomshika," my head was a much more damaging place to be.  I would run around the lake at our first house in Arizona wondering, "Why don't you just jump in and drown yourself?  It's supposed to be a peaceful way to die."  Or I would eat with my mom and her husband, then run upstairs to throw up before eating more.  
During my last year in college, I intentionally began to look for beauty in the women around me.  I made it a point to compliment women if I liked something about their hair, clothing, etc.  The more I did that, the more I was able to pick out things about myself that I found beautiful.  Slowly, I began to like my smile, my hair, my shape...everything.  Some days it's harder than others.  Some months are insanely harder than others.  The year after my second daughter was born was the worst and possibly lowest point in my life.  Had there not been two little people dependent upon me for survival and happiness, I'm not sure what would have become of me.  That's when I began taking Zoloft (an antidepressant for those who don't know).  Life became brighter, but there are still some days where I can be my worst enemy.  Yesterday, I had to stop and say, "You need to eat.  Stop focusing on the fit of your pants and eat."  I do my best to ensure I am no longer hurting myself by setting unattainable goals.  I do my best to love me.

1.  God told me I am beautiful.

Now, I'm not going to get all preachy and start shoving my faith down your throat, however, please understand that my number one reason for my confidence is deeply rooted in my faith.  
As a young child, John 3:16 was one of my first memorized bible verses.  As I grew older, I grew apart from organized religion.  Shortly after the birth of my first daughter, I found a church I felt at home in and began going there regularly.  This was a huge turning point in my life because I had so many questions.  At the time, my main one was, "Why was this beautiful being given to me to protect?"  Now, I could go one and on and on about why, but to make it short I was blessed.  I needed my daughter to show how blessed and beautiful I truly was.  Through her, I see me!  When she was born and the nurses placed her on my stomach, my first words were, "She's so beautiful!  That's means I'm beautiful, too!"  That was a turning point for me.  Through her, I see that God doesn't only bestow blessings onto skinny, beautiful people.  He loves the world, he created man and then woman in his image and I am a woman in HIS world!  
The more I dove into my faith, the more I feel it radiating through me.  The smile on my face is brighter and my hips swing with a no care attitude as I walk down the sidewalk.  I may be bigger than other women and taller than a good chunk of them, but I am beautiful.  My Father has said so and no one can take that from me.

Now, back to the drive through and the song.  If I were to tell a random person on the street that I want the man I'm with to be so enraptured with me that he hears trumpets when he sees my under garments (or whatever the lyrics to the song are), there is a good chance I will be laughed at.  But, I deserve it a man to be that in love with me.  Not only that, my daughters deserve it.  Where does this insane amount of confidence come from?  Well, I'm no Beyoncé or Kim Kardashian, but I know my worth.  I am worth it.  

Now go look in the mirror and tell yourself you are worth it, too.

Tweets by @JackieMichele

Single, single, single...and believe me. I'm better off.

Well, I had a fun conversation with my mom today.  We were talking about the girls and then all of a sudden she says seven words that has me seconds away from losing control of bowels.

"So when are you going to start dating?"

Really, mom?  Really?

I'm quite happy being who I am and being alone.  When I'm alone, I can sleep how I want, watch what I want, and I don't have to answer to anyone about my ridiculous work or cleaning habits.  

Ultimately, I simply choose to be alone.  It's acceptable for us girls to do that you know.

A few years back, I was in a relationship with guy.  However, I had a recent epiphany and realized I was in love with love.  I was in love with the idea of being in a relationship of someone who I felt didn't judge me.  I was in love with the idea of someone who didn't care that I had a child with another man.  I was in love with the fantasy of a life I had created for us.  I was in love with my bubble.

I didn't want to be alone.  I wanted some poor introverted soul to curl up on the sofa with.  I wanted someone to go to parties with.  I wanted someone to be with.  The dream of that perfect relationship sucked me in and I gave myself up to it.  Walking through the supermarket, I imagined what life would be like when we got old.  

Many months into the relationship, the bubble popped.  I realized that I was financing his life.  I worked long hard hours while he drove my car, sat on my couch, ate my food, and pretended to be an adult.  He lied, gave money to his family without paying any bills for our household, and six months into my pregnancy with our daughter, he decided that life was too stressful to be with us because I was demanding, materialistic, and selfish.  Oh, yeah.  I hit the ground with a  resounding thud.  Right on my pregnant ass.

It's taken a little over two years to straighten out the financial damage that he left behind but I'm finally there.  It took this conversation, a trip to Target, and some online shopping to realize that I'm better off.  I am demanding.  I have every right to be.  I have fought for this life that I am living, and if someone or something is not up to my standards (yes, you read that right) then I will DEMAND that you get on up out of my life.  I am also materialistic.  I can afford to be.  I wanted a house and a new car.  I bought it.  I want designer sunglasses, purses, etc., so I buy them.  I know what I want and I will not apologize for that, ever again.  

My life is far from perfect but I wanted a relationship so badly, I was willing to sacrifice me.  I will NEVER do that again.  From here on out, if a man wants to sweep me off my heavily calloused feet, he's going to have to fight to prove he deserves to be in life.  And he better use a bright pink, glitterific broom to do it.


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Lady Luck has nothing on me....

Dear Friends and Family,
It was suggested by someone this weekend that I was lucky in life.  This was someone I considered to be a friend.  Lest anyone else think I'm "lucky", I feel the need to set the record straight. 
You don't make a mess out of your life like I have and crawl back up and then give Lady Luck the credit.  My bachelors and two masters have nothing to do with luck.  It has ALOT to do with hard work and determination.  The fact that I have a roof over my head that is finally furnished the way that I want it to be has nothing to do with luck.  I worked 10+ years to be able to do this.  My children being happy and healthy have nothing to do with luck, but everything do with me trying to be the best mother I can be.  
So before you ever think about calling me lucky, don't.  You don't see the hard work, the drive and the determination it takes to be me.  You don't see the effort behind every step.  You don't hear the internal monologue I keep with myself as I push to keep going.  You most certainly don't get to see me break down when I think I can't go on.
So before you insult me by giving luck the credit, realize that I'm THAT good to make it look THIS easy.  
<3

*I was going to leave this on my Facebook page but decided to make it public.  This is something I love about myself.  My determination to make my life better. 

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A letter to my first born

*Below is a letter written to my daughter during my pregnancy with her sister.  There is so much that needs to be said to our children each day.  Sometimes, 24 hours isn't enough and things go unsaid.  I want nothing to be left unsaid with my kidlets (or as close to nothing as possible), so there will definitely be additions to this.


July 5, 2013

Dear Dori,
There is something I need you to know, but unfortunately, age is an issue right now.  You are seven years old and smart as a whip.  However, it does not mean you will understand these words.  I need you to understand.  
I love you.  Of course that is a typical thing for any mom to say, so let me elaborate.  Since I found out I was pregnant with you, you have been my life.  You are my light, my joy and the very reason I wake each morning.  You are my first and because of this you will always hold a special sacred place in my heart.
Life is constantly a big mess of changes.  Your little sister will be arriving soon.  You are growing up.  I am getting older.  No matter where you are or whatever challenges you face, remember the following:

1.  Never be ashamed of the person you are. 
2.  Love with your whole heart.
3.  Pay attention to my mistakes and do your best not to repeat them.
4.  Learning is a never ending journey.  If you have stopped learning; you have stopped living.
5.  Set a timer to remember your birth control.
6.  No matter what problem you are faced with, call me.
7.  Always look at Siobhan with love.
8.  Don't be afraid to spread your wings.
9.  Forgive your biological father.
10.  Always remember the people who love you.

You will lead an amazing life.  I am so sure of it.  I love you with all my heart.

Mom <3

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