The Art of Losing Yourself

I like to consider myself a very independent person.  I'm a single mom of two and love my children to no end.  Somewhere along the way, though, I lost myself.  I understand that I have a very demanding job but between the big one, the baby, work, and making sure the kids stay alive I lost myself.

Looking back, I think I lost myself when I was getting my second masters degree.  (No, I'm not throwing that in there to show how I smart I am.  The errors in my writing should prove otherwise.)  All throughout the two year program I completed in a year, I kept thinking, "Just think what I will be able to do for Dori!"  Then, sure enough, my focus went from school to what can I now do for my daughter.

Fast forward a couple years and now I'm dating a loser.  In the beginning, he was sweet and very accepting of my daughter.  Then, he moved in (RED FLAG!  Don't move to fast in any relationship!) when I was house hunting.  Now it's, "What can I do for my daughter and for him?"  Fast forward a few months after a surprise pregnancy test and trying to hold it all together, I finally realized he never thought, "What can I do for Michele?"  Lucky me.  I found someone willing to suck me dry.  

Fast forward a few months past the delivery of my second child, I was now focused on holding everything together for my children, my house, and my job.  Not one moment did I think about myself.  From the moment I opened my eyes to the second I drifted in to REM sleep, I was focused on everything but myself.  

I lost myself.

I lost the ability to smile.  I felt horrible.  I gained weight.  I stopped wearing makeup.  I never bought anything for myself.  I was angry.  I hated that I felt I couldn't protect my children.  I was starting to hate my life.  

Slowly, I had begun to hate my life.  The weird thing was that no one really knew.  I still did my job.  I was still a parent, though some things my oldest did caused me to fly of the handle, sadly.  Most of my bills were paid, so it seemed that I was doing just find for those outsiders looking in.  I had begun to wish I was a visible mess.

Last year, I finally brought it up to my doctor.  For 20 minutes, I sat and described everything I had been feeling to Dr. T.  I talked about my unhappiness, the weight gain, feeling ugly, my racing heart....EVERYTHING!  I've never been so scared in my life because I thought I was falling to pieces.  I could not have been more right.  You see, the weight of everything I was trying to carry was slowly eating away at me.  Eventually, I would have been an empty shell.  

Though I ended my doctor's appointment bent over at the waist sobbing like a baby, I felt better.  I had finally let someone in and shown them how much I was hurting.  I left the office with a prescription to see if I responded well to an anti depressant that would also control signs of anxiety I had been exhibiting.  Within a month, I was smiling.  My eyes were brighter and I put on mascara.  My doctor felt confident at that point to diagnose me with depression and anxiety.  

That was one year ago.  With many ups and downs, I can say that I love me.  I smile a lot.  I laugh more.  I wear makeup and clothes that make me feel good.  I am happy.  But most importantly, I love my life.  I still struggle, so please don't think I take a magic pill.  I don't.  I make a choice every night before I go to bed to take my medicine and love me.  Today, I love my eyebrows.  Tomorrow?  I will find something else about me to love.  It's hard to think that one year ago I didn't even like myself.  Now that I'm starting to map out a plan to tackle my weight, I tend to get a little overwhelmed, but it helps to look how far I've come.

Making tomorrow better, if my favorite goal.  I have to work hard, but I can do it.  I have two beautiful girls who are sleeping soundly in their beds.  The best thing I can do for them is to ensure their mom is healthy and happy.  I have to make sure I don't lose myself again.

Tweets by @JackieMichele

Feeling neighborly?

This is a version of me telling it like it is.  So if you don't want to hear how gloriously right I am, stop reading.

What would you do if came home to see your neighbor hanging their Christmas decorations on your garage?  Let's start with a little back story.

Back story:
I bought my house about 14 months ago.  I didn't really decorate much outside as I was still trying to get the inside squared away.  So color me shocked when my partner and I arrived home to see Christmas lights on the garage.  And no (in case you are leaning this way) not the entire garage.  The single eave that faces them.  I think that's what it's called.  Eave, right?  If not, that's what it is called now.  I decided not to let my partner say anything lest male testosterone get in the way and they start humping each other to show dominance.  I figured, they wouldn't do it again.

Present Day:
I pulled into my driveway today after picking my oldest daughter up from her after school program and saw my neighbor, again, decorated that single eave of my garage.  I decided right then I would say something.  So, I pulled together my shaking bits, got out of my car and had this lovely little exchange.  

Me:  "Hi, you know you are hanging your lights on my garage?"
Him:  "Yeah."
Me:  "You don't think that's a little weird to do without asking."
Him:  "If it's gonna be a problem, I'll just take them down."
Me:  "You don't think you should maybe ask first?"
Him:  "I'll just take them down."
Me:  "So you are not going to bother asking?"
Him: "I'll just take them down."

Am I the only one perturbed by this exchange?  I mean, this is not a shared garage.  All $900+ of my mortgage is paid for me to have sole use of this garage.  Having said that, do I care?  Not at all.  But why in this day and age would you not shout out a simple: "Hey Neighbor, is it cool if I use this part of your garage or were you planning on doing something with it?"  Not only did this strike me as my neighbor being entitled to do whatever the *&^% he wants to do so long as no one said anything, but the blatant disrespect he showed me during our little exchange was even picked up on by my 7 year old!  What the fuck people?!

I would like nothing more than to have a holly, jolly Pleasantville existence (minus the sex) with all of my neighbors, but it is this crap that makes me not want to interact with anyone.  So Merry Christmas and keep your fucking lights to yourself.

P.S. Have a happy New Year and follow me on Twitter @JackieMichele

No, your child doesn't need the latest technology...

Over the weekend, my oldest daughter decided to write down her list of wants for Christmas.  After being presented with a list of 21 items, it was narrowed down to 10.  Here we go:
1.  3ft play horse
2.  iPod
3.  iPad
4.  Computer
5.  Dream house
6.  Play kitten (very specific about this as she doesn't want to pick up any more poop)
7.  Chocolate covered nuts
8.  Water bottle
9.  Phone 
10. Leap frog

Seriously, kid?!
Apparently, not only does money grow on the tree in my back yard, but technology sprouts up in my lawn.  But it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter if I was sitting on a small, but decent fortune in gold doubloons.  My daughter isn't getting anything on this list. 

Pardon me while I jump on my soap box that happens to be located at the tip top of Mt. Everest to scream in your face: "Your child doesn't need the latest technology!"

In a time when jobs are iffy and money is tight, it's amazing to me what the American family will blow their hard earned cash on.  iPods and iPads are great.  I have them.  However, I was over the age of 27 when I bought both.  With the later costing me well over $1,000 you can bet your bottom dollar my kid won't be getting one new.  And an iPod?  Forget about it!  They have personal CD players for $19.99 at K-Mart.  Or....wait for it...she can get a job and buy her own damn iPod when she is grown (and no I don't mean 18).

Well, what about a computer?  Kids *need* those to do their school work on!  Excuse me, while I raise a perfectly groomed and filled in brow.  Where in your child's public school handbook does it say that they *need* a computer?  Plus, when push comes to shove, there are computers at school and the library begging to be used.  There is no need here.  However, if I still had the Tandy from my growing years, I'd box that sucker up and stick a bow on it.

And last but not least...a phone.  Please stop pulling my extra jiggly legs...mine are long enough thank you.  No child needs a phone.  So long as there are landlines, this need will not exist.  

Now if you are one of the 13 people who read this rambling mess and are thinking, "But my kid needs __________."  Just stop.  Please stop.  You child does not need it.  You may not want to believe it.  But they don't.  Since the beginning of time, humans have only needed food, clothing, shelter, and companionship.  Throw in a little love and everything else is superfluous.  This is not something that can be argued.  

If you must get this technological crap for you child, for the love of all that is chocolate, do not buy it new.  It doesn't matter if you can afford it or not.  Technology doesn't need to be purchased all shiny and new.  You don't even need the latest model  Get the first generation refurbished model and put the rest in their education savings fund.  Oh wait...don't have one of those?  Well, with the money I just saved you, go start one (cause who the hell buys their kid the latest iPad and then complains they don't have the money to send them to college).

So what is my kid getting for Christmas?  A lot of clothes....and chocolate nuts.

Follow me on Twitter! @JackieMichele

Pumpking EVERYTHING!

*This is a totally random post. ;`)

Today is not the normal day I post but seeing as how November is drawing to a close, I wanted to give thanks to the almighty pumpkin.  Without the pumpkin, I would not have the following short list of things:
Pumpkin lattes
Pumpkin spice candles
Pumpkin car scent
Pumpkin body butter 
ANNNNND....
Pumpkin bread!

My friends and family wait all year for the bread of the pumpkin.  You'd think they'd just ask for the recipe, but as with all baked goods, it tastes better when it doesn't come from their kitchen.  
Sadly, the cookbook is older than me so I will share the recipe with all 12 of you before it disintegrates before my very eyes.

Pumpkin Bread (and all it's fat filled goodness)
15 or 16 oz. can of pumpkin (2 cups)
3 cups of sugar
1 cup of oil
2/3 cup of water
4 eggs

3 1/2 cups of All Purpose flour
2 teaspoons of soda
1 1/2 teaspoons of salt
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of nutmeg
1 teaspoon of ginger

Heat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit
Grease and flour loaf pans (9x5 or 8x4)
In large bowl blend first 5 ingredients one minute at medium speed.
Add remaining ingredients.  Blend at low speed until moistened, then beat one minute at medium speed.
Pour batter into prepared pans.  Bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 60 - 75 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.  
Cool 5 minutes, remove from pans.  Cool completely before eating.
Recipe makes two loaves.

There it is.  The recipe that will keep me baking for the next 48 hours.  But it is so worth it.  Plus, your house smells like pumpkin spice for days.  BONUS!

Follow me on Twitter! @JackieMichele

A letter to my first born

*Below is a letter written to my daughter during my pregnancy with her sister.  There is so much that needs to be said to our children each day.  Sometimes, 24 hours isn't enough and things go unsaid.  I want nothing to be left unsaid with my kidlets (or as close to nothing as possible), so there will definitely be additions to this.


July 5, 2013

Dear Dori,
There is something I need you to know, but unfortunately, age is an issue right now.  You are seven years old and smart as a whip.  However, it does not mean you will understand these words.  I need you to understand.  
I love you.  Of course that is a typical thing for any mom to say, so let me elaborate.  Since I found out I was pregnant with you, you have been my life.  You are my light, my joy and the very reason I wake each morning.  You are my first and because of this you will always hold a special sacred place in my heart.
Life is constantly a big mess of changes.  Your little sister will be arriving soon.  You are growing up.  I am getting older.  No matter where you are or whatever challenges you face, remember the following:

1.  Never be ashamed of the person you are. 
2.  Love with your whole heart.
3.  Pay attention to my mistakes and do your best not to repeat them.
4.  Learning is a never ending journey.  If you have stopped learning; you have stopped living.
5.  Set a timer to remember your birth control.
6.  No matter what problem you are faced with, call me.
7.  Always look at Siobhan with love.
8.  Don't be afraid to spread your wings.
9.  Forgive your biological father.
10.  Always remember the people who love you.

You will lead an amazing life.  I am so sure of it.  I love you with all my heart.

Mom <3

Follow me on Twitter! @JackieMichele


Tweets by @JackieMichele

Tellin it like it is: Formerly Pregnant Confessions

As I sit and write this blog to be published on Tuesday, I shake my head in disbelief.  Today is Sunday.  Three interesting things happened this weekend.  Important things.  As such, it is my responsibility to inform the 12 people who read my naturally infectious blog about these majorly important things you must NEVER do.

So, this weekend I made plans.  Insert a gasp here because I haven't made plans since before I peed on a stick.  Cancelled plans, yes.  Made and carried out plans...no.  Oh, the joys of be pregnant and wondering where the hell your energy disappeared to.  It was all very simple.  On Saturday, I was taking the girls to Home Depot for the kids craft and then on to the park.  Then, on Sunday, I was taking the girls to the 9am service at church.  I have to specify the service because I haven't made it to the 9am service since long before Siobhan was born in September.  Well, during these outings, something happened that should never happen.

Thing 1:  Unsolicited advice
Dori, Siobhan, and I went to Home Depot first thing in the morning to do her craft.  I chose to carry Siobhan because there were no chairs and I didn't want to lug around her infant carrier (and I'm not a baby wearer but props to those who are).  We picked up her package and as we turned to go, the lady handing them out said, "Your mom must not live here."  I took the bait and asked why.  "Cause she would never let out take that baby out without a blanket."
...
Excuse me?  Are you serious?  I'M OVER 30 YEARS OLD! (I'm pretty sure I'm 31 but I'm too tired right now to do the math and to afraid I might be 32.)  I looked at the lady, down at my baby, and back to the lady.  My grandma always said whatever the hell was on her mind but she taught me to mind my elders so I smiled and moved along.  But in my head I'm screaming about how I didn't ask her advice!  AND it was 72 degrees out.  We were all dressed in long sleeves and pants because it was still chilly in the shade.  What the *($% do I need a blanket for?  I didn't ask or want your advice so please shut your pie hole!

Thing 2:  Ask to hold a stranger's baby
So smile in place, Dori and I started working on her craft.  Well, Dori was working.  I was praying that she didn't hammer a finger or skewer her hand with a nail.  As I'm standing there encouraging my daughter to read the directions and helping her when she gets stuck, I hear, "Oh she's so pretty!"  I look up to say a quick, polite thanks and see this woman with her arms/hands outstretched, reaching for my baby.  She says, "Can I hold her?" and I politely say, "No, she has not had her shots yet."  
...
WTF!  Who the hell reaches for a STRANGER'S baby and then asks to hold them?  What crazy farm were you born on?!  I don't know you from a hole in the wall!  
Don't get me wrong.  Siobhan has been held by many people, including one that I didn't approve because her godmother was a little too excited.  I have no problem handing my eight pound, high power lunged bundle of joy over....to people I know.  But when you start walking up to randoms asking to hold their kid I think you are crazy.  And NO.  You can't hold my kid.

Thing 3:  Tell them you didn't know...they were pregnant!
So, fast forward to Sunday.  I am so proud to get to church on time!  I sit through a moving, inspirational service and as I'm leaving I stop and chat.  Two ladies I am familiar with come up to ooh and aah over Siobhan.  Before they leave, they drop this bomb:  I didn't even know you were pregnant!  
Really?  Gee, thanks.  
Look.  I know I'm not supermodel material.  I've got more stripes on my stomach than a zebra and now jiggle in places that were formerly non-jiggleable.  But as jiggly as I'm am and as heavy as I am, you could tell I was pregnant!  And if you couldn't I don't want to know about it.  I'm not saying lie to me about how great I looked.  I mean, yeah.  I gained weight.  I know this.  Even my toes got fat.  All I'm asking is that you don't make my damn near 40 lb addition seem like the norm.  Just say nothing.  

I can't believe all three things happened in one weekend, but hey.  I'll get over it.  Except Thing 1.  The next person who gives me unsolicited parenting advice is getting a kick to the knee.  Then they can go tell a friend what my mother should have done about my temper.

Follow me on Twitter! @JackieMichele

Oh yeah!  I'm 31!

Regaining control of my weight....

As of yesterday, my new baby is six weeks old.  Six weeks ago, I was sitting in the hospital wondering what the hell I was going to do!  Six weeks ago, I was wondering what my mattress was going to smell like after my water broke all over it (and I do mean FLOODED).

As of today, I need to regain control of my weight.

Eighteen months before I got pregnant, I began my journey to lose weight.  Yes, I wanted to look good.  Yes, I wanted to buy new clothes.  But most importantly, I want to live. 

As of 2010, my weight had ballooned out of control.  I was the largest I had ever been.  Six pounds away from the weight of 300.  300!  I was depressed when I moved past 200.  The read out of 300 was a wake up call.  I began thinking of heart troubles, body aches/pains, etc.  Then, I looked at my daughter and thought the one thing I was terrified of.  Death.  I have a child.  My irresponsible habits were slowly killing me.  I couldn't and still can't imagine my life without my daughter.  If I feel that way, I know she would not have been able to comprehend life without me.

So, I put my foot down.  Literally.  I bought an elliptical machine.  I lost 10 pounds.  I joined a gym.  I lost 10 more pounds.  I bought Insanity.  I lost 5 more pounds.  I started walking with my daughter and lost more weight.

All the while, I changed my eating habits.  I ate more fresh vegetables and fruit.  I cooked more at home.  I stopped eating school lunch (I'll do a separate blog about this).  But most importantly I joined Weight Watchers and learned how to eat.

Now, the question is:  How do I get my determination back?

Well, like many Americans, I'm broke as a joke.  (insert sad face)  I can't afford the gym, Weight Watchers, or the extra gas it took to get there.  So, I am going to use the resources I have.

Resource #1:  http://caloriecount.about.com/
I found this website prior to joining WW.  This will allow me to still count points (I still have all of my WW stuff...I mean I paid for it so why not use it??) and make healthier choices.  This is tech-y type version of a food diary and there is also an app for your phone.

Resource #2:  My shoes
My pregnancy overlapped with Jessica Simpson's and Kim Kardashian's very public pregnancy through which they were skewered by the press for their body types.  Even when you saw them trying to work out and have a healthy pregnancy, someone had something negative to say.  While the thought terrifies me, I need to get out and start walking again.  I can't be afraid of what people will think when they see me out walking.  I can't just sit on my ass and breastfeed and hope the weight falls off...cause it's not going to.  I need to get out and get active.  Besides, walking is free.  And I need as much free as I can get in my life.

Resource #3: Insanity
As crazy as it is, I actually liked the Insanity workouts.  They are hard core and as much as I cussed Shaun T. out, it worked. 

I am currently 11 pounds away from my pre pregnancy weight of 247.  I started my pregnant journey after losing 47 pounds.  I would love to end the year at where I started so that's what I'm going to do.  After all, my babies are worth the sacrifice. :)

Follow me on Twitter for more mouth diarrhea @JackieMichele