Lady Luck has nothing on me....

Dear Friends and Family,
It was suggested by someone this weekend that I was lucky in life.  This was someone I considered to be a friend.  Lest anyone else think I'm "lucky", I feel the need to set the record straight. 
You don't make a mess out of your life like I have and crawl back up and then give Lady Luck the credit.  My bachelors and two masters have nothing to do with luck.  It has ALOT to do with hard work and determination.  The fact that I have a roof over my head that is finally furnished the way that I want it to be has nothing to do with luck.  I worked 10+ years to be able to do this.  My children being happy and healthy have nothing to do with luck, but everything do with me trying to be the best mother I can be.  
So before you ever think about calling me lucky, don't.  You don't see the hard work, the drive and the determination it takes to be me.  You don't see the effort behind every step.  You don't hear the internal monologue I keep with myself as I push to keep going.  You most certainly don't get to see me break down when I think I can't go on.
So before you insult me by giving luck the credit, realize that I'm THAT good to make it look THIS easy.  
<3

*I was going to leave this on my Facebook page but decided to make it public.  This is something I love about myself.  My determination to make my life better. 

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Food obsession or addiction?

Sometimes in the past, I wondered if I was addicted to food.  Out of no where I would get cravings so strong my mouth would salivate.  The mere thought of a type of food could bring me to my knees.  I am again wondering if I am addicted to food.  Chocolates, sweets, and coffee to be specific although I am quite sure I am addicted to the latter.

Over the past week, I started researching addition symptoms and cam across this handy dandy chart.

So I went down each row, to determine my dependency on certain foods and the amounts of foods I eat.  Here were my thoughts:
1.  It's already been proven that eating certain foods can simulate a "high" that is similar to that of opiate usage.  
2.  When I thought about how often I ate the evil foods, I came up with daily.  And yes, I realize certain foods are draining to my bank account.
3.  Looking at the third row, I laughed.  If you invite me to a "celebration" that is lacking food, I'm not going.  Point blank.  Period.
4/5.  There are some foods I won't eat in public because I don't want people to think negatively of me in the sense of, "I can't believe she is that fat and she's still eating that!"  Additionally, when I am home and getting a craving, I will sometimes resort to choices I'm not so proud of to get whatever I'm craving.  It has been somewhat normal for me to leave me children for a quick run to the store if the craving gets too intense.  I simply rationalize with myself that it's like me stepping out to check the mail.
6.  If I can't find what I'm craving I will substitute anything I can get my hands on.
7.  I do binge.  I stopped purging when I was in high school (which now that I think about it is probably what has led to my weight creeping up over the years).
8.  Since I am nearing my mid 30s and I'm still struggling with this issue, I think it's say to say I may need help to change.

I guess what I don't understand is if you CAN be addicted to food, why has no one stepped up to help those people who are struggling?  There are clinics for eating disorders like bulimia and anorexia.  But when someone is obese as I am, who do we turn to other than our general doctor?  People say that obesity is a major problem in America.  I think that major problem is the fact that the public thinks someone who suffers from obesity can help themselves or even has the money to help themselves.  

This is what prompted me to change.  According to this chart, which I know is not 100% accurate, I am extremely obese.  Unlike many others, I have my doctor and my brother's cousin's sister's nephew who moonlights as my therapist free of charge.  I guess all we can do for everyone else who is suffering and praying for help is pray that our country wakes up.  For some, this is just a feat to large to stand against alone. Tweets by @JackieMichele

The Art of Losing Yourself

I like to consider myself a very independent person.  I'm a single mom of two and love my children to no end.  Somewhere along the way, though, I lost myself.  I understand that I have a very demanding job but between the big one, the baby, work, and making sure the kids stay alive I lost myself.

Looking back, I think I lost myself when I was getting my second masters degree.  (No, I'm not throwing that in there to show how I smart I am.  The errors in my writing should prove otherwise.)  All throughout the two year program I completed in a year, I kept thinking, "Just think what I will be able to do for Dori!"  Then, sure enough, my focus went from school to what can I now do for my daughter.

Fast forward a couple years and now I'm dating a loser.  In the beginning, he was sweet and very accepting of my daughter.  Then, he moved in (RED FLAG!  Don't move to fast in any relationship!) when I was house hunting.  Now it's, "What can I do for my daughter and for him?"  Fast forward a few months after a surprise pregnancy test and trying to hold it all together, I finally realized he never thought, "What can I do for Michele?"  Lucky me.  I found someone willing to suck me dry.  

Fast forward a few months past the delivery of my second child, I was now focused on holding everything together for my children, my house, and my job.  Not one moment did I think about myself.  From the moment I opened my eyes to the second I drifted in to REM sleep, I was focused on everything but myself.  

I lost myself.

I lost the ability to smile.  I felt horrible.  I gained weight.  I stopped wearing makeup.  I never bought anything for myself.  I was angry.  I hated that I felt I couldn't protect my children.  I was starting to hate my life.  

Slowly, I had begun to hate my life.  The weird thing was that no one really knew.  I still did my job.  I was still a parent, though some things my oldest did caused me to fly of the handle, sadly.  Most of my bills were paid, so it seemed that I was doing just find for those outsiders looking in.  I had begun to wish I was a visible mess.

Last year, I finally brought it up to my doctor.  For 20 minutes, I sat and described everything I had been feeling to Dr. T.  I talked about my unhappiness, the weight gain, feeling ugly, my racing heart....EVERYTHING!  I've never been so scared in my life because I thought I was falling to pieces.  I could not have been more right.  You see, the weight of everything I was trying to carry was slowly eating away at me.  Eventually, I would have been an empty shell.  

Though I ended my doctor's appointment bent over at the waist sobbing like a baby, I felt better.  I had finally let someone in and shown them how much I was hurting.  I left the office with a prescription to see if I responded well to an anti depressant that would also control signs of anxiety I had been exhibiting.  Within a month, I was smiling.  My eyes were brighter and I put on mascara.  My doctor felt confident at that point to diagnose me with depression and anxiety.  

That was one year ago.  With many ups and downs, I can say that I love me.  I smile a lot.  I laugh more.  I wear makeup and clothes that make me feel good.  I am happy.  But most importantly, I love my life.  I still struggle, so please don't think I take a magic pill.  I don't.  I make a choice every night before I go to bed to take my medicine and love me.  Today, I love my eyebrows.  Tomorrow?  I will find something else about me to love.  It's hard to think that one year ago I didn't even like myself.  Now that I'm starting to map out a plan to tackle my weight, I tend to get a little overwhelmed, but it helps to look how far I've come.

Making tomorrow better, if my favorite goal.  I have to work hard, but I can do it.  I have two beautiful girls who are sleeping soundly in their beds.  The best thing I can do for them is to ensure their mom is healthy and happy.  I have to make sure I don't lose myself again.

Tweets by @JackieMichele

Feeling neighborly?

This is a version of me telling it like it is.  So if you don't want to hear how gloriously right I am, stop reading.

What would you do if came home to see your neighbor hanging their Christmas decorations on your garage?  Let's start with a little back story.

Back story:
I bought my house about 14 months ago.  I didn't really decorate much outside as I was still trying to get the inside squared away.  So color me shocked when my partner and I arrived home to see Christmas lights on the garage.  And no (in case you are leaning this way) not the entire garage.  The single eave that faces them.  I think that's what it's called.  Eave, right?  If not, that's what it is called now.  I decided not to let my partner say anything lest male testosterone get in the way and they start humping each other to show dominance.  I figured, they wouldn't do it again.

Present Day:
I pulled into my driveway today after picking my oldest daughter up from her after school program and saw my neighbor, again, decorated that single eave of my garage.  I decided right then I would say something.  So, I pulled together my shaking bits, got out of my car and had this lovely little exchange.  

Me:  "Hi, you know you are hanging your lights on my garage?"
Him:  "Yeah."
Me:  "You don't think that's a little weird to do without asking."
Him:  "If it's gonna be a problem, I'll just take them down."
Me:  "You don't think you should maybe ask first?"
Him:  "I'll just take them down."
Me:  "So you are not going to bother asking?"
Him: "I'll just take them down."

Am I the only one perturbed by this exchange?  I mean, this is not a shared garage.  All $900+ of my mortgage is paid for me to have sole use of this garage.  Having said that, do I care?  Not at all.  But why in this day and age would you not shout out a simple: "Hey Neighbor, is it cool if I use this part of your garage or were you planning on doing something with it?"  Not only did this strike me as my neighbor being entitled to do whatever the *&^% he wants to do so long as no one said anything, but the blatant disrespect he showed me during our little exchange was even picked up on by my 7 year old!  What the fuck people?!

I would like nothing more than to have a holly, jolly Pleasantville existence (minus the sex) with all of my neighbors, but it is this crap that makes me not want to interact with anyone.  So Merry Christmas and keep your fucking lights to yourself.

P.S. Have a happy New Year and follow me on Twitter @JackieMichele

No, your child doesn't need the latest technology...

Over the weekend, my oldest daughter decided to write down her list of wants for Christmas.  After being presented with a list of 21 items, it was narrowed down to 10.  Here we go:
1.  3ft play horse
2.  iPod
3.  iPad
4.  Computer
5.  Dream house
6.  Play kitten (very specific about this as she doesn't want to pick up any more poop)
7.  Chocolate covered nuts
8.  Water bottle
9.  Phone 
10. Leap frog

Seriously, kid?!
Apparently, not only does money grow on the tree in my back yard, but technology sprouts up in my lawn.  But it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter if I was sitting on a small, but decent fortune in gold doubloons.  My daughter isn't getting anything on this list. 

Pardon me while I jump on my soap box that happens to be located at the tip top of Mt. Everest to scream in your face: "Your child doesn't need the latest technology!"

In a time when jobs are iffy and money is tight, it's amazing to me what the American family will blow their hard earned cash on.  iPods and iPads are great.  I have them.  However, I was over the age of 27 when I bought both.  With the later costing me well over $1,000 you can bet your bottom dollar my kid won't be getting one new.  And an iPod?  Forget about it!  They have personal CD players for $19.99 at K-Mart.  Or....wait for it...she can get a job and buy her own damn iPod when she is grown (and no I don't mean 18).

Well, what about a computer?  Kids *need* those to do their school work on!  Excuse me, while I raise a perfectly groomed and filled in brow.  Where in your child's public school handbook does it say that they *need* a computer?  Plus, when push comes to shove, there are computers at school and the library begging to be used.  There is no need here.  However, if I still had the Tandy from my growing years, I'd box that sucker up and stick a bow on it.

And last but not least...a phone.  Please stop pulling my extra jiggly legs...mine are long enough thank you.  No child needs a phone.  So long as there are landlines, this need will not exist.  

Now if you are one of the 13 people who read this rambling mess and are thinking, "But my kid needs __________."  Just stop.  Please stop.  You child does not need it.  You may not want to believe it.  But they don't.  Since the beginning of time, humans have only needed food, clothing, shelter, and companionship.  Throw in a little love and everything else is superfluous.  This is not something that can be argued.  

If you must get this technological crap for you child, for the love of all that is chocolate, do not buy it new.  It doesn't matter if you can afford it or not.  Technology doesn't need to be purchased all shiny and new.  You don't even need the latest model  Get the first generation refurbished model and put the rest in their education savings fund.  Oh wait...don't have one of those?  Well, with the money I just saved you, go start one (cause who the hell buys their kid the latest iPad and then complains they don't have the money to send them to college).

So what is my kid getting for Christmas?  A lot of clothes....and chocolate nuts.

Follow me on Twitter! @JackieMichele

Pumpking EVERYTHING!

*This is a totally random post. ;`)

Today is not the normal day I post but seeing as how November is drawing to a close, I wanted to give thanks to the almighty pumpkin.  Without the pumpkin, I would not have the following short list of things:
Pumpkin lattes
Pumpkin spice candles
Pumpkin car scent
Pumpkin body butter 
ANNNNND....
Pumpkin bread!

My friends and family wait all year for the bread of the pumpkin.  You'd think they'd just ask for the recipe, but as with all baked goods, it tastes better when it doesn't come from their kitchen.  
Sadly, the cookbook is older than me so I will share the recipe with all 12 of you before it disintegrates before my very eyes.

Pumpkin Bread (and all it's fat filled goodness)
15 or 16 oz. can of pumpkin (2 cups)
3 cups of sugar
1 cup of oil
2/3 cup of water
4 eggs

3 1/2 cups of All Purpose flour
2 teaspoons of soda
1 1/2 teaspoons of salt
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of nutmeg
1 teaspoon of ginger

Heat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit
Grease and flour loaf pans (9x5 or 8x4)
In large bowl blend first 5 ingredients one minute at medium speed.
Add remaining ingredients.  Blend at low speed until moistened, then beat one minute at medium speed.
Pour batter into prepared pans.  Bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 60 - 75 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.  
Cool 5 minutes, remove from pans.  Cool completely before eating.
Recipe makes two loaves.

There it is.  The recipe that will keep me baking for the next 48 hours.  But it is so worth it.  Plus, your house smells like pumpkin spice for days.  BONUS!

Follow me on Twitter! @JackieMichele

A letter to my first born

*Below is a letter written to my daughter during my pregnancy with her sister.  There is so much that needs to be said to our children each day.  Sometimes, 24 hours isn't enough and things go unsaid.  I want nothing to be left unsaid with my kidlets (or as close to nothing as possible), so there will definitely be additions to this.


July 5, 2013

Dear Dori,
There is something I need you to know, but unfortunately, age is an issue right now.  You are seven years old and smart as a whip.  However, it does not mean you will understand these words.  I need you to understand.  
I love you.  Of course that is a typical thing for any mom to say, so let me elaborate.  Since I found out I was pregnant with you, you have been my life.  You are my light, my joy and the very reason I wake each morning.  You are my first and because of this you will always hold a special sacred place in my heart.
Life is constantly a big mess of changes.  Your little sister will be arriving soon.  You are growing up.  I am getting older.  No matter where you are or whatever challenges you face, remember the following:

1.  Never be ashamed of the person you are. 
2.  Love with your whole heart.
3.  Pay attention to my mistakes and do your best not to repeat them.
4.  Learning is a never ending journey.  If you have stopped learning; you have stopped living.
5.  Set a timer to remember your birth control.
6.  No matter what problem you are faced with, call me.
7.  Always look at Siobhan with love.
8.  Don't be afraid to spread your wings.
9.  Forgive your biological father.
10.  Always remember the people who love you.

You will lead an amazing life.  I am so sure of it.  I love you with all my heart.

Mom <3

Follow me on Twitter! @JackieMichele


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