Feeling neighborly?

This is a version of me telling it like it is.  So if you don't want to hear how gloriously right I am, stop reading.

What would you do if came home to see your neighbor hanging their Christmas decorations on your garage?  Let's start with a little back story.

Back story:
I bought my house about 14 months ago.  I didn't really decorate much outside as I was still trying to get the inside squared away.  So color me shocked when my partner and I arrived home to see Christmas lights on the garage.  And no (in case you are leaning this way) not the entire garage.  The single eave that faces them.  I think that's what it's called.  Eave, right?  If not, that's what it is called now.  I decided not to let my partner say anything lest male testosterone get in the way and they start humping each other to show dominance.  I figured, they wouldn't do it again.

Present Day:
I pulled into my driveway today after picking my oldest daughter up from her after school program and saw my neighbor, again, decorated that single eave of my garage.  I decided right then I would say something.  So, I pulled together my shaking bits, got out of my car and had this lovely little exchange.  

Me:  "Hi, you know you are hanging your lights on my garage?"
Him:  "Yeah."
Me:  "You don't think that's a little weird to do without asking."
Him:  "If it's gonna be a problem, I'll just take them down."
Me:  "You don't think you should maybe ask first?"
Him:  "I'll just take them down."
Me:  "So you are not going to bother asking?"
Him: "I'll just take them down."

Am I the only one perturbed by this exchange?  I mean, this is not a shared garage.  All $900+ of my mortgage is paid for me to have sole use of this garage.  Having said that, do I care?  Not at all.  But why in this day and age would you not shout out a simple: "Hey Neighbor, is it cool if I use this part of your garage or were you planning on doing something with it?"  Not only did this strike me as my neighbor being entitled to do whatever the *&^% he wants to do so long as no one said anything, but the blatant disrespect he showed me during our little exchange was even picked up on by my 7 year old!  What the fuck people?!

I would like nothing more than to have a holly, jolly Pleasantville existence (minus the sex) with all of my neighbors, but it is this crap that makes me not want to interact with anyone.  So Merry Christmas and keep your fucking lights to yourself.

P.S. Have a happy New Year and follow me on Twitter @JackieMichele

No, your child doesn't need the latest technology...

Over the weekend, my oldest daughter decided to write down her list of wants for Christmas.  After being presented with a list of 21 items, it was narrowed down to 10.  Here we go:
1.  3ft play horse
2.  iPod
3.  iPad
4.  Computer
5.  Dream house
6.  Play kitten (very specific about this as she doesn't want to pick up any more poop)
7.  Chocolate covered nuts
8.  Water bottle
9.  Phone 
10. Leap frog

Seriously, kid?!
Apparently, not only does money grow on the tree in my back yard, but technology sprouts up in my lawn.  But it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter if I was sitting on a small, but decent fortune in gold doubloons.  My daughter isn't getting anything on this list. 

Pardon me while I jump on my soap box that happens to be located at the tip top of Mt. Everest to scream in your face: "Your child doesn't need the latest technology!"

In a time when jobs are iffy and money is tight, it's amazing to me what the American family will blow their hard earned cash on.  iPods and iPads are great.  I have them.  However, I was over the age of 27 when I bought both.  With the later costing me well over $1,000 you can bet your bottom dollar my kid won't be getting one new.  And an iPod?  Forget about it!  They have personal CD players for $19.99 at K-Mart.  Or....wait for it...she can get a job and buy her own damn iPod when she is grown (and no I don't mean 18).

Well, what about a computer?  Kids *need* those to do their school work on!  Excuse me, while I raise a perfectly groomed and filled in brow.  Where in your child's public school handbook does it say that they *need* a computer?  Plus, when push comes to shove, there are computers at school and the library begging to be used.  There is no need here.  However, if I still had the Tandy from my growing years, I'd box that sucker up and stick a bow on it.

And last but not least...a phone.  Please stop pulling my extra jiggly legs...mine are long enough thank you.  No child needs a phone.  So long as there are landlines, this need will not exist.  

Now if you are one of the 13 people who read this rambling mess and are thinking, "But my kid needs __________."  Just stop.  Please stop.  You child does not need it.  You may not want to believe it.  But they don't.  Since the beginning of time, humans have only needed food, clothing, shelter, and companionship.  Throw in a little love and everything else is superfluous.  This is not something that can be argued.  

If you must get this technological crap for you child, for the love of all that is chocolate, do not buy it new.  It doesn't matter if you can afford it or not.  Technology doesn't need to be purchased all shiny and new.  You don't even need the latest model  Get the first generation refurbished model and put the rest in their education savings fund.  Oh wait...don't have one of those?  Well, with the money I just saved you, go start one (cause who the hell buys their kid the latest iPad and then complains they don't have the money to send them to college).

So what is my kid getting for Christmas?  A lot of clothes....and chocolate nuts.

Follow me on Twitter! @JackieMichele

Pumpking EVERYTHING!

*This is a totally random post. ;`)

Today is not the normal day I post but seeing as how November is drawing to a close, I wanted to give thanks to the almighty pumpkin.  Without the pumpkin, I would not have the following short list of things:
Pumpkin lattes
Pumpkin spice candles
Pumpkin car scent
Pumpkin body butter 
ANNNNND....
Pumpkin bread!

My friends and family wait all year for the bread of the pumpkin.  You'd think they'd just ask for the recipe, but as with all baked goods, it tastes better when it doesn't come from their kitchen.  
Sadly, the cookbook is older than me so I will share the recipe with all 12 of you before it disintegrates before my very eyes.

Pumpkin Bread (and all it's fat filled goodness)
15 or 16 oz. can of pumpkin (2 cups)
3 cups of sugar
1 cup of oil
2/3 cup of water
4 eggs

3 1/2 cups of All Purpose flour
2 teaspoons of soda
1 1/2 teaspoons of salt
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of nutmeg
1 teaspoon of ginger

Heat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit
Grease and flour loaf pans (9x5 or 8x4)
In large bowl blend first 5 ingredients one minute at medium speed.
Add remaining ingredients.  Blend at low speed until moistened, then beat one minute at medium speed.
Pour batter into prepared pans.  Bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 60 - 75 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.  
Cool 5 minutes, remove from pans.  Cool completely before eating.
Recipe makes two loaves.

There it is.  The recipe that will keep me baking for the next 48 hours.  But it is so worth it.  Plus, your house smells like pumpkin spice for days.  BONUS!

Follow me on Twitter! @JackieMichele

A letter to my first born

*Below is a letter written to my daughter during my pregnancy with her sister.  There is so much that needs to be said to our children each day.  Sometimes, 24 hours isn't enough and things go unsaid.  I want nothing to be left unsaid with my kidlets (or as close to nothing as possible), so there will definitely be additions to this.


July 5, 2013

Dear Dori,
There is something I need you to know, but unfortunately, age is an issue right now.  You are seven years old and smart as a whip.  However, it does not mean you will understand these words.  I need you to understand.  
I love you.  Of course that is a typical thing for any mom to say, so let me elaborate.  Since I found out I was pregnant with you, you have been my life.  You are my light, my joy and the very reason I wake each morning.  You are my first and because of this you will always hold a special sacred place in my heart.
Life is constantly a big mess of changes.  Your little sister will be arriving soon.  You are growing up.  I am getting older.  No matter where you are or whatever challenges you face, remember the following:

1.  Never be ashamed of the person you are. 
2.  Love with your whole heart.
3.  Pay attention to my mistakes and do your best not to repeat them.
4.  Learning is a never ending journey.  If you have stopped learning; you have stopped living.
5.  Set a timer to remember your birth control.
6.  No matter what problem you are faced with, call me.
7.  Always look at Siobhan with love.
8.  Don't be afraid to spread your wings.
9.  Forgive your biological father.
10.  Always remember the people who love you.

You will lead an amazing life.  I am so sure of it.  I love you with all my heart.

Mom <3

Follow me on Twitter! @JackieMichele


Tweets by @JackieMichele

Tellin it like it is: Formerly Pregnant Confessions

As I sit and write this blog to be published on Tuesday, I shake my head in disbelief.  Today is Sunday.  Three interesting things happened this weekend.  Important things.  As such, it is my responsibility to inform the 12 people who read my naturally infectious blog about these majorly important things you must NEVER do.

So, this weekend I made plans.  Insert a gasp here because I haven't made plans since before I peed on a stick.  Cancelled plans, yes.  Made and carried out plans...no.  Oh, the joys of be pregnant and wondering where the hell your energy disappeared to.  It was all very simple.  On Saturday, I was taking the girls to Home Depot for the kids craft and then on to the park.  Then, on Sunday, I was taking the girls to the 9am service at church.  I have to specify the service because I haven't made it to the 9am service since long before Siobhan was born in September.  Well, during these outings, something happened that should never happen.

Thing 1:  Unsolicited advice
Dori, Siobhan, and I went to Home Depot first thing in the morning to do her craft.  I chose to carry Siobhan because there were no chairs and I didn't want to lug around her infant carrier (and I'm not a baby wearer but props to those who are).  We picked up her package and as we turned to go, the lady handing them out said, "Your mom must not live here."  I took the bait and asked why.  "Cause she would never let out take that baby out without a blanket."
...
Excuse me?  Are you serious?  I'M OVER 30 YEARS OLD! (I'm pretty sure I'm 31 but I'm too tired right now to do the math and to afraid I might be 32.)  I looked at the lady, down at my baby, and back to the lady.  My grandma always said whatever the hell was on her mind but she taught me to mind my elders so I smiled and moved along.  But in my head I'm screaming about how I didn't ask her advice!  AND it was 72 degrees out.  We were all dressed in long sleeves and pants because it was still chilly in the shade.  What the *($% do I need a blanket for?  I didn't ask or want your advice so please shut your pie hole!

Thing 2:  Ask to hold a stranger's baby
So smile in place, Dori and I started working on her craft.  Well, Dori was working.  I was praying that she didn't hammer a finger or skewer her hand with a nail.  As I'm standing there encouraging my daughter to read the directions and helping her when she gets stuck, I hear, "Oh she's so pretty!"  I look up to say a quick, polite thanks and see this woman with her arms/hands outstretched, reaching for my baby.  She says, "Can I hold her?" and I politely say, "No, she has not had her shots yet."  
...
WTF!  Who the hell reaches for a STRANGER'S baby and then asks to hold them?  What crazy farm were you born on?!  I don't know you from a hole in the wall!  
Don't get me wrong.  Siobhan has been held by many people, including one that I didn't approve because her godmother was a little too excited.  I have no problem handing my eight pound, high power lunged bundle of joy over....to people I know.  But when you start walking up to randoms asking to hold their kid I think you are crazy.  And NO.  You can't hold my kid.

Thing 3:  Tell them you didn't know...they were pregnant!
So, fast forward to Sunday.  I am so proud to get to church on time!  I sit through a moving, inspirational service and as I'm leaving I stop and chat.  Two ladies I am familiar with come up to ooh and aah over Siobhan.  Before they leave, they drop this bomb:  I didn't even know you were pregnant!  
Really?  Gee, thanks.  
Look.  I know I'm not supermodel material.  I've got more stripes on my stomach than a zebra and now jiggle in places that were formerly non-jiggleable.  But as jiggly as I'm am and as heavy as I am, you could tell I was pregnant!  And if you couldn't I don't want to know about it.  I'm not saying lie to me about how great I looked.  I mean, yeah.  I gained weight.  I know this.  Even my toes got fat.  All I'm asking is that you don't make my damn near 40 lb addition seem like the norm.  Just say nothing.  

I can't believe all three things happened in one weekend, but hey.  I'll get over it.  Except Thing 1.  The next person who gives me unsolicited parenting advice is getting a kick to the knee.  Then they can go tell a friend what my mother should have done about my temper.

Follow me on Twitter! @JackieMichele

Oh yeah!  I'm 31!

Regaining control of my weight....

As of yesterday, my new baby is six weeks old.  Six weeks ago, I was sitting in the hospital wondering what the hell I was going to do!  Six weeks ago, I was wondering what my mattress was going to smell like after my water broke all over it (and I do mean FLOODED).

As of today, I need to regain control of my weight.

Eighteen months before I got pregnant, I began my journey to lose weight.  Yes, I wanted to look good.  Yes, I wanted to buy new clothes.  But most importantly, I want to live. 

As of 2010, my weight had ballooned out of control.  I was the largest I had ever been.  Six pounds away from the weight of 300.  300!  I was depressed when I moved past 200.  The read out of 300 was a wake up call.  I began thinking of heart troubles, body aches/pains, etc.  Then, I looked at my daughter and thought the one thing I was terrified of.  Death.  I have a child.  My irresponsible habits were slowly killing me.  I couldn't and still can't imagine my life without my daughter.  If I feel that way, I know she would not have been able to comprehend life without me.

So, I put my foot down.  Literally.  I bought an elliptical machine.  I lost 10 pounds.  I joined a gym.  I lost 10 more pounds.  I bought Insanity.  I lost 5 more pounds.  I started walking with my daughter and lost more weight.

All the while, I changed my eating habits.  I ate more fresh vegetables and fruit.  I cooked more at home.  I stopped eating school lunch (I'll do a separate blog about this).  But most importantly I joined Weight Watchers and learned how to eat.

Now, the question is:  How do I get my determination back?

Well, like many Americans, I'm broke as a joke.  (insert sad face)  I can't afford the gym, Weight Watchers, or the extra gas it took to get there.  So, I am going to use the resources I have.

Resource #1:  http://caloriecount.about.com/
I found this website prior to joining WW.  This will allow me to still count points (I still have all of my WW stuff...I mean I paid for it so why not use it??) and make healthier choices.  This is tech-y type version of a food diary and there is also an app for your phone.

Resource #2:  My shoes
My pregnancy overlapped with Jessica Simpson's and Kim Kardashian's very public pregnancy through which they were skewered by the press for their body types.  Even when you saw them trying to work out and have a healthy pregnancy, someone had something negative to say.  While the thought terrifies me, I need to get out and start walking again.  I can't be afraid of what people will think when they see me out walking.  I can't just sit on my ass and breastfeed and hope the weight falls off...cause it's not going to.  I need to get out and get active.  Besides, walking is free.  And I need as much free as I can get in my life.

Resource #3: Insanity
As crazy as it is, I actually liked the Insanity workouts.  They are hard core and as much as I cussed Shaun T. out, it worked. 

I am currently 11 pounds away from my pre pregnancy weight of 247.  I started my pregnant journey after losing 47 pounds.  I would love to end the year at where I started so that's what I'm going to do.  After all, my babies are worth the sacrifice. :)

Follow me on Twitter for more mouth diarrhea @JackieMichele

My gnarly nips...

So after being pregnant for over 200 days, I had a lot of time to think about how I would feed my newborn infant.  For 7+ years, I had been saying that I would try breastfeeding with all my might if I ever got the chance because I felt let down over my first experience (or lack there of).  Well, I got my chance and let's just say this chance is sucking balls....

From cluster feeding (feeding your baby every 20 minutes because they are going through a growth spurt and trying to up your supply of breast milk) to the baby practically ripping your nipple off when they turn their head (a.k.a. nipplelash) you are lucky to still have feeling in your nips at the end of the day.  

First up...
In the hospital, my daughter struggled to latch over what the lactation consultant called fibrous nipples.  You don't know what those are?  Yeah, neither do I.  So, she gave me a nipple shield.  This flexible piece of plastic saved my breastfeeding life so much over the past five weeks.

 Next...
I bought two lifesavers.  The first being Medela Tender Care Lanolin.  I use this before and after nursing and it really helps keep from cracking and bleeding.  I also bought gel pads.  These are heaven sent.  Not only do they keep the lanolin on your nips but if you put them in the refrigerator or freezer and it really takes away the pain.

So what's the point of all this??

Shortly before I gave birth, I read research spanning from the CDC to a random nursing moms website that African American moms simply do not breastfeed.  Why?  BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS HARD!  There...I said it.  Breastfeeding is hard and not to mention painful.  It's no wonder that more women don't do it.   However, I want to.  

I want to give my daughter the best start to life which means I will give her the food that was made specifically for her.  I mean think about it.  Cow's milk is for cows.  Deer's milk...for deer.  Formula (you know...that super expensive stuff on the shelf) is modeled after breast milk.  So there is no reason why I should not do what nature intended and latch my daughter to my breast.  I just have to get through the pain, the raw, red nipples, and cluster feeding.  This shit is no joke and it's not for the faint of heart.  

 

 But seriously...I can deal with a little pain for this lil face <3

Throwback Thursday - Totally Disgusting

July 7, 2007

Okay...here's the deal.  Everyone poops.  Yessire Bob.  And this is yet another blog about poop and my beloved daughter.  So if you are easily grossed out, stop reading.

For the past week, Dori has been having issues pooping.  She's been giving me her daily quota and then some.  I'm actually worried that pretty so there won't be any left and then what?

Well, she's been filling her diapers so efficiently I just let her poop it out on the potty.  It's easier clean up and I don't have to throw her in the shower...usually. 

So this goes to show the true innocence of our children.  Adults know where poop comes from.  If you are an adult and you don't know where your poop comes from, well...your parents failed you miserably and I suggest you take a mirror with you to the bathroom next time for a close up look.  Or you could Google it.

Babies don't know a whole lot about their bodily functions.  And poor little Dori didn't know where her poops and toots came from.  And even now I'm not sure if she knows she's making the toots and not the toilet.

Anyway, this afternoon, Dori had another explosive poop.  So I sat her little butt the potty and waited.  All of a sudden this thunderous toot erupted from her butt.  She looked at me, I looked at her, and then (God bless her) she spread her legs and looked inside the potty.  For the next five minutes, she proceeded to watch herself poop with so much interest I had to pick my jaw up off the floor.  I love watching her discover new things.

Totally funny in my world....completely disgusting to those who don't have kids.

 Edible body parts...Gosh I love left over Halloween candy!

Kardashian split, Miley Cyrus, and my nipples!

Telling it like it is...

So as I'm drinking my morning coffee and catching up on my daily celebrity news, I find out that Kris and Bruce Jenner are living separately.  I very rarely catch KUWTK although I love Khloe and Kourtney.  However as I'm taking a big gulp of coffee, I'm stricken with this thought, "Did he ask for his balls back before he moved out or will they be mailed to him at a later date?" 

 

(I've included a pic in case Bruce forgot what they look like...)

 
I haven't heard a thing about Miley Cyrus!  Wahoo!  If you dislike her so much, stop falling into her trap and talking about her.  And if you must talk about her, please ask what color of red the lipstick is because I want it like her tongue wants to find a new home (I can only imagine since it's constantly trying to escape).

 

(Best VMA meme EVER!!!)

As a mom to a newborn, I wanted to give breastfeeding another go.  I tried with my first daughter and it killed me that she wouldn't latch and I gave up almost immediately.  Now, my new daughter is thriving on breast milk, latching (with the help of a nipple shield), and keeping me up at all hours of the night.  But my nipples are killing me!  And when I say killing me, maybe I should be more specific.  It feels as if someone has skewered my nipple with a meat hook, grabbed hold of one end and jumped off the Empire State building.  
The latch is fine but feeding every 20 minutes is not...so I went to the store and bought these.

I bought these at Target and put them on.  Holy Mother of all that is Chocolate and good in the world!  Instant relief!  I'm talking on par with orgasmic release (not that I'd remember).  Now nothing is rubbing on my nips and I read that you can refrigerate them to make it feel even better.  Couple this with my Medela lanolin and my nips should be feeling better in no time.  ;)

Now if only I could get to sleep....

And a baby makes three!

So for the last seven months, I have been engaged in the most horrific pregnancy.  From the morning sickness to the fatigue to the back aches...and when I complained to my doctor about he reminded me that I'm not 24 any.  Gee...thanks doc!

However, on September 21, 2013, I was beyond blessed with my second daughter.  Siobhan Catherine made her way into this world like a bullet out of a gun (I won't mention what she did to my nether regions because quite frankly I'm still to afraid to look). 

My surprise has enlarged my heart and made me feel so blessed.  Over the past few months, her father and I have had serious issues (the ones I said would come up when he first started pursuing me) and whether he is here or not, I have been blessed with two beautiful girls.  I never expected my duo to expand to a trio, but I'll take it!

Throwback Thursday - Personal Products

Originally Posted October 4, 2008 (My how time flies)

Today, I stopped at Safeway to stock up on personal products.  Not because I was expecting anything but because the shit was on sale so I had better stock up.  In what year do we charge almost ten dollars for a disposable vaginal plug?  2008!  That's our claim to history folks!

Anywho, I was sitting there looking at the wonderful array of products when I saw the Summer's Eve and other such items.  I will admit to anyone and everyone, I was rather shocked.  Having not watched television for the better part of a year I did not realize those types of products were still in existence.  Furthermore I don't even believe they are stocked together on the same aisle at Wal-Mart.

As I walked out of Safeway, I wondered what I would do if my better half's penis smelled like a rose. 
I truly thought women had grown out of this phase.  When was it acceptable for our vaginas to smell like roses?  More importantly why?  Why for the love of all that is holy would you want your vagina to smell like a plant?!

Now don't get me wrong.  I love to smell so fresh and so clean like that one rap song says.  However, the line must be drawn ladies.  If your gentleman loves the smell of roast beef or freshly broiled salmon are you going to searching for a douche that tickles your better half's nasal passages in remembrance of a six course meal?  (My fingers are crossed that every woman would reply no.)
The truth is very simple.  We all sweat.  And when we sweat we will have an unpleasant smell if we neglect daily personal hygiene.  But rinsing one's personal area with flower flavored water is hardly the answer.

My suggestion is as simple as the truth.  Bathe thoroughly.  Like that?  I do, too.  Bathe thoroughly in all the nooks and crannies and make sure you rinse.  Then when you step out you are ready for the world...or at least a good 12 hour bout of sweaty sex (by the end of which neither party will be smelling like rose).

Another product I didn't know still existed...Noxzema!

How do you have a surprise family?

The answer is simple....an unplanned pregnancy!  
 
Seven years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl.  I thought she would most likely be my only child due to the fact that three months into my pregnancy I found out her father was married with a family of his own.  No pity party needed here....I learned my lesson (and how to conduct Internet background checks).  Plus, her paternal grandparents are amazing.

Eight months ago, I met an interesting man who refused to let me be alone.  My mantra for the past few years had been, "It's safer to be alone.  It's easier to be alone."  I was content with friendship, but he wanted more.  I let him into my life slowly at first and faster in the end.  

You see it was interesting.  I had never had anyone in my life to help me before him.  He cooked for my daughter and I and when I got sick in October he took over completely.  This was very new to me.  I have been alone since the beginning of my single parenthood.  So alone, that I can't conceive on having any sort of help even now.  How do I go from being single mother to a parenting duo?  I've become so self reliant that I'm unsure how to be anything else.  It's going to be something new and possibly challenging and I hope to share it with other single moms. :)