Shame...just shame

I won't pretend I'm perfect. Lord knows I am truly not. In my childhood years, I did and said a many things my own mother would be shocked to the core by. Outlandish, ignorant, racist things. However, looking back, I was not even 10 years old. I won't blame the times or location for my ignorance. 

I was simply ignorant, but hat ignorance was not who I became. 

My mother worked hard to make sure my brother and I were properly educated. A woman who instilled a can-do attitude and morals and values in her children is an accomplishment of which she can be proud. 

But, I still feel shame for the things I did as an ignorant child just I feel shame for the events unfolding in Chicago. 

Last night, I attempted to sit down and watch the Facebook Live video (it has been removed from Facebook but you can see it on YouTube here). Tears flooded my eyes and my heart tightened in my chest. So many feelings flooded through my body. Disgust being at the top. I felt sickened by the disgust of knowing that parents out there were not doing their jobs. I felt disgust that we have young adults in this country who laugh at this behavior. I felt disgust that more of the viewers of that Facebook Live video did not speak out while this was happening. 
All of this left me feeling thoroughly nauseated. I could only tolerate less than five minutes of the video. After that point, the mom in me broke down. This young man sat suffering endlessly while his panic stricken parents waited and hoped. It's possible he sat there not understanding why this was happening to him.  It's possible he sat there wondering why.  What did he do to deserve this?
It could have been my child. 
It could have been your child. 
It could have been any one's child or loved one who was kicked, hit, cut, etc. My tears streamed down my cheeks knowing that no matter how horrible a crime this is, the restitution won't be enough. As I cried, I knew that these thoughts and behaviors didn't just pop up when they turned 18. I cried for the victim. 

I weep for the future of this country. Tweets by @JackieMichele

A letter to my first friend...

I haven't posted in a while due to hectic life situations, but it's also because I've been sitting on this particular post.  Sometimes I wonder my brother knows how proud I am.  I worry that he doesn't.  He and I took very different paths in life and I hope he realizes that though his path took him on a different journey, I am prouder (more proud?) than words can possibly every express.


Dear Brother,
Almost 34 years ago, I was welcomed into this world and introduced to you.  In that instant, you became my big brother.  My first friend.  I became your shadow and witness to some awesomely stupid things (like that one time you ran into a tree and knocked yourself out cold).  
As a big brother, you were my protector.  I still remember relying on you one cold morning in Chicago to protect me from a bully.  I knew even then that you were steadfast and true.  My big brother.  Even through our years of puberty when we were constantly at each other's throats, you were a leader.  Someone who would do everything so big and bright there was no way I could compete.  And I never wanted to.  I simply wanted to watch my big brother succeed.
Fast forward to our adult years, and here I am.  Yes, I teach.  Yes, I am mother to your two awesome nieces.  Yes, I am still watching from the sidelines while you shine bigger and brighter with every passing year.  
And my heart swells with pride.  I am proud of my first friend, my leader.  I am proud of my big brother.  I apologize if I don't say it enough, but I am.  Each and every day you walk headfirst into hurricane winds pushing you back.  You strive to ignore the tiny whispers that might deter you from your goal.  You stride toward your own definition of success with your Artist's flag flying proudly.  For that, I am proud.  

Love,
Your little sister Tweets by @JackieMichele

Telling It Like It Is Tuesday: Body Wars

**I posted this a while back (two years back) but find it just as meaningful as I did then!  So in honor of #TellingItLikeItIs Tuesday, here I go. :)

Today, some seemingly harmless memes were shared/liked and showed up in my Facebook feed.  As I shook my head in shock or despair, I wondered what would happen if I looked for more.  Well...here's what I found.

 

When did the body wars start?  Why was I not notified to take up arms and defend my extra rolls and curves?  Oh right...because I would then be ridiculous.  Kinda like the people who are trying to make themselves feel better by putting others down.  Well, I have one thing to say to the creators of these memes, "You are never going to feel better about yourself while you continue to put others down."

Beautiful women come in all shapes, sizes, and flavors.  You can have dark chocolate, peach, or cinnamon.   There is literally a smorgasbord of women to choose from.  While we only see one type portrayed in the media and would love for that to change, those of us living in reality know the truth.

Women can be skinny.

Women can be tall.

Women can be curvy.

Women can be short.

Women can be fluffy.

The list goes on.

What people fail to mention is that there is no one right way for women to be.  So whether you are an amazon like me (with a lot of extra fluff) or a midge like one of my besties who is seriously lacking in the fluff area (but is magically top heavy...go figure), I simply hope that you are healthy and love being in your skin.  There is no better body type.  There is only a great personality. 

(The best one I found.)

Tweets by @JackieMichele

What should I teach my daughter?

My daughter (according to her teachers) is well behaved, respectful of others, and enjoys talking.  Now, that last part is not a shock.  But what should I teach my daughter?  She already gets taught manners but is it enough?  Should I teach her about having disagreements with friends or should I explain what to do when people don't like you?  What about making new friends?  What should I teacher about that?  And it all came from this stupid meme and others like it that have trickled into my Facebook or Instagram feed!

I despise this meme!

I can teach my daughter respect all she wants, but will she be ready for the world and will the be ready for her?  Society is changing!  Children are having brawls, beating each other to death (story here: http://pix11.com/2016/04/06/teen-brutally-beaten-in-front-of-her-coney-island-apartment-dies-family-says/), and in some cases it's encouraged by adults.  The world wants me to prepare my child but I have no *expletive deleted* clue how to do this.  My baby, who I see as the most innocent loving being in my life, will be let loose upon this world that is no longer a reality a want to be a part of and I have no clue how to prepare her.  So I did what I could and talked.

I had a conversation with my daughter.  It was short, sweet and to the point.  Here it is (paraphrased except for the first part):

Dori, I will always love you.  No matter what you say or do, I will always love you.  I will not always love your words or your actions, but I will always love YOU.  Having said that, I need you to understand that in this world, there are going to be people who, for so reason, don't like you.  There may be people who, for some reason, you don't like.  No matter how they treat you, give them nothing but the kindness and respect you want to receive.  No matter what they say to you, I need you to know that you are beautiful, loving person who deserves kindness and respect.  No matter what they do, let the love of all the other people in your life give you strength to be the kind, respectful young lady I raised.

Yup.  I read that from a paper.

And then there was something that I wasn't prepared for.  The questions section.  I should have known but it always catches me off guard.

Dori:  Well, what if they are a bully?

Me:  It's still important that you treat them with kindness and respect.  If  someone is bullying you, then they need love and kindness in their lives more than ever.

Dori:  Well, what if they hit me?

*there was a long pause here*
Me:  Did you know that hitting someone is called assault and it is against the law?

Dori:  No.

Me:  If someone hits you, they are breaking the law.  If someone attacks you, they are breaking the law.  If this happens, you must get to a place where you are safe and then call the emergency number.  If someone is angry enough to hit you or hurt you,  do your best not to be near that person.  Always, always, ALWAYS tell a trusted adult about the problems you are having with your peers (Granny, Auntie, Uncles, Grammy, Papa, ME, your teachers, Pastor Dan, your SS teachers, etc.).  This way we can help you before the situation becomes really dangerous.

(Whew!  I thought I handled that one pretty well!)

Dori:  Mom...I love you.  Thank you for being the best!

This conversation ended with an exuberant hug from a 10-year-old who is almost eye to eye with her 5'10" mother.  In other words, it was quite like having a Great Dane bound up to you and try to jump into your arms.  If you are not ready for it, you will be knocked flat on your ass.  I loved every minute of that hug!

I hate this part of parenting.  Every time I have to give her these life lessons, I feel as though I am ripping part of a band-aid from her eyes.  Why?  Why do I have to prepare my child for the ugliness of the world?  Why can't we as adults work tirelessly to give a better world to our children?  I just don't get it.
Tweets by @JackieMichele

Telling it like it is: Who said I can't wear that?

Who gave the media/other people so much power?  Was it you?  Could it have been me?  How do you or I get it back?

Tonight, I was trying on my new pink lipstick.  SO CUTE!  When I got it, I bought a liner and gloss that compliments it.  It wasn't until I got home that I realized that I would never have purchased this shade in my teens or even my early 20s.  I was convinced that it wouldn't look good on my because my skin tone was wrong.  It just didn't go.

Who told me that?  Why did I think that?  Was it the media, or was it my own crazy insecurities?

Maybe this goes hand in hand with my confidence but I look damn good in my new pink lippie!  I don't know why I thought I wouldn't.  Maybe it was because I was paying more attention to what others thought, or maybe I was so brainwashed I didn't know it.  However, it doesn't matter.

If you think you look good.  You look good.  End of story.  Who cares if you are wearing stripes and polka dots?!   Rock that craziness.*  Let your beauty shine through and compliment what you do.  Only when you stand up and say, "I look good!" will we be able to take back the power we have unwittingly given to someone else.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to rock out with my pink lip pout and flip my hair like I don't care.  So go out there and rock it!*  Buy that new outfit, get that knew haircut, or enjoy a day makeup free.  Be the beautiful you, you were meant to be.  (Unless your shorts are so short I can see your vulva or your bottom biscuits.  If that's the case, go change.)

J/K! Rock those hot pants, Gorgeous!

*Unless you are crazy like Donald Trump.

Tweets by @JackieMichele

Confidence

I was sitting in the drive through listening to Jason Derulo's song Trumpet.  I think that is his name and the song's name.  I was sitting there listening to the lyrics thinking, "It would be nice to find a guy like that."  That thought took me back to almost 8 months ago when I was speaking with my new coworkers about me and they marveled at my confidence.  I told them in a very respectful way that I thought I was all that and a bag of chips and no one could tell me different.  
Now, because they were actually speaking to me, it made sense and didn't come across conceited (at least it didn't in my brain).  They allowed me to explain why I felt that way and I like to think they understood.  So, here are the top three reasons as to why I am so damn confident.

3.  I am freaking AMAZING!

In life, I don't have very many friends and I am okay with that.  My friends are like extended family created by Go and sent directly to me.  If you tell me you need me, I am there.  If you don't have money, I will give you mine knowing I may not be able to make rent.  If you are sick, I will nurse you back to health.  Anything you need, I got you.  All I ask is that if your needs get me arrested, you bail my newly broke ass out.  In all seriousness, I give all and put all I have into every relationship I have.  

2.  My bubble is a bully free bubble.

Years and years and years ago, I was teased.  I can barely remember a point in my life when I didn't think I was fat, ugly, or unlovable.  I sailed past my peers in height and weight, which led to me being the odd ball.  To make matters much worse, I didn't have any of the conventional beauty that was in back in the 90s.  To take it even further, I berated myself.  I would starve myself, purposefully inflict pain upon my body, and then take joy in the fact that I lost 10 pounds.  So while my peers were yelling "Jolly Green Giant" and "Boomshika," my head was a much more damaging place to be.  I would run around the lake at our first house in Arizona wondering, "Why don't you just jump in and drown yourself?  It's supposed to be a peaceful way to die."  Or I would eat with my mom and her husband, then run upstairs to throw up before eating more.  
During my last year in college, I intentionally began to look for beauty in the women around me.  I made it a point to compliment women if I liked something about their hair, clothing, etc.  The more I did that, the more I was able to pick out things about myself that I found beautiful.  Slowly, I began to like my smile, my hair, my shape...everything.  Some days it's harder than others.  Some months are insanely harder than others.  The year after my second daughter was born was the worst and possibly lowest point in my life.  Had there not been two little people dependent upon me for survival and happiness, I'm not sure what would have become of me.  That's when I began taking Zoloft (an antidepressant for those who don't know).  Life became brighter, but there are still some days where I can be my worst enemy.  Yesterday, I had to stop and say, "You need to eat.  Stop focusing on the fit of your pants and eat."  I do my best to ensure I am no longer hurting myself by setting unattainable goals.  I do my best to love me.

1.  God told me I am beautiful.

Now, I'm not going to get all preachy and start shoving my faith down your throat, however, please understand that my number one reason for my confidence is deeply rooted in my faith.  
As a young child, John 3:16 was one of my first memorized bible verses.  As I grew older, I grew apart from organized religion.  Shortly after the birth of my first daughter, I found a church I felt at home in and began going there regularly.  This was a huge turning point in my life because I had so many questions.  At the time, my main one was, "Why was this beautiful being given to me to protect?"  Now, I could go one and on and on about why, but to make it short I was blessed.  I needed my daughter to show how blessed and beautiful I truly was.  Through her, I see me!  When she was born and the nurses placed her on my stomach, my first words were, "She's so beautiful!  That's means I'm beautiful, too!"  That was a turning point for me.  Through her, I see that God doesn't only bestow blessings onto skinny, beautiful people.  He loves the world, he created man and then woman in his image and I am a woman in HIS world!  
The more I dove into my faith, the more I feel it radiating through me.  The smile on my face is brighter and my hips swing with a no care attitude as I walk down the sidewalk.  I may be bigger than other women and taller than a good chunk of them, but I am beautiful.  My Father has said so and no one can take that from me.

Now, back to the drive through and the song.  If I were to tell a random person on the street that I want the man I'm with to be so enraptured with me that he hears trumpets when he sees my under garments (or whatever the lyrics to the song are), there is a good chance I will be laughed at.  But, I deserve it a man to be that in love with me.  Not only that, my daughters deserve it.  Where does this insane amount of confidence come from?  Well, I'm no Beyoncé or Kim Kardashian, but I know my worth.  I am worth it.  

Now go look in the mirror and tell yourself you are worth it, too.

Tweets by @JackieMichele

Throwback Thursday! - The Secret of the Ooze

This is an OLD post.  It was originally posted when my oldest was two months old.  After smearing poop on my face this week (in my defense I thought I wiped it all on my pants) I thought it appropriate.  :)
*** 

I love my daughter.  I love her more that life itself.  But enough with the poop already!
Before I had my daughter I had a certain abhorrence to poop.  I've never had to look at anyone's but my own, so I've never been schooled in the way of poop.  So aside from the fact that this little munchkin doesn't nothing else but poop, I really don't know what to do with it.
According to the books I've read, newborn poop is fairly small in size and the way it smells depends on what they eat.  Breastfed babies are supposed to have almost sweet smelling poop.  Formula fed babies poop is slightly stronger with the consistency of paste, but generally not that bad.  That is what the books and the magazines say.  I double checked.
So what exactly is wrong with my daughter?!?  Her shit stinks!  It not the newborn type shit that you can just laugh about. It's adult type shit stinky.  And she only poops once a week it seems, so when she does poop it oozes out the sides of her diaper.  It's like Huggies isn't stronger enough to contain the secret of the ooze.  I thought about getting her a bigger size diaper but I don't want her getting any new ideas about a bigger diaper meaning she can hold off on shitting for two weeks and really fill it up.
Now most people when faced with the situation are revolted, disgusted, etc.  Pick any synonym.  However, I can't stop laughing about it, and apparently neither can she.
Our latest incident was today about 6:30 pm.  I was reading an article to her about the latest on the No Child Left Behind Act, when all of a sudden she started grunting.  She looked like she was concentrating really hard.  Then, I realized that was her poopy face.  So I told her while she poop Mommy was going to write a blog.  Well, a couple minutes later she is still grunting like a little piggy and a certain smell begins to permeate my room.  I start to crack up.  I've never known a seven week old to have such strong poop!  As soon as she starts smiling and cooing sans the grunting, I know I have my work cut out for me.  And just as a precaution I lift up her legs to check the sides of her diaper and sure enough, no matter how well I center her little bottom on the diaper, poop oozes out. 
I definitely need to invest in a gas mask, and write the makers of the Diaper Genie a long thank you note. Tweets by @JackieMichele